How To: Survive a Mugging (inspired by braveheart)

1) Prepare: in order to initially attract potential muggers*, you must walk in their territory. Muggers are highly territorial, like the hookers in Pretty Woman.
2) To prepare further, display** your money holders prominantly while singing "London Bridges" by Fergie, like a nerd***
3) You will soon be approached by two muggers (research shows that muggers require moral support). First thing to do, deny everything they ask. If they ask you for money, say "I don't have money." If they ask you for your wallet, say, "I don't have a wallet****." If they ask you what your favorite movie is, say, "I don't have a favorite movie*****. All movies are good."
4) They will then begin to threaten you******, and difinitive research shows that their next words to you will be something along the lines of "give me your money or i will punch you in the face."
5) Since you are not dumb and will not just hand over your money, you will then recieve repeated punches to the face.
6) If you are alone, you are most likely screwed. Note: Be sure to have someone badass that is with you or nearby that is on your side. They will then attempt to save you from your certain fate of being mugged.
7) Luckily, muggers are often not very smart and will attempt to mug you in a public area. This way, someone may see the ensuing fight, and yell at them to leave you alone. If not, chances are you will have bested the muggers*******, and are now free.
8) If everything has gone correctly, you will still have your money, but multiple bruises and "war/mugging wounds". You may now cancel all plans for the day with the excuse that you have just beat off a couple of muggers and you need some time to bask in your badassness.
9) Burn a CD/tape with only the song "Hard" by Rihanna********, turn up the base and drive around town because you are also "HARD."


*contrary to popular belief, a "mugger" are not people who collect mugs. They prefer to be called "Heavy Duty Porcelain Hot Drink Cup Enthusiasts." Also, a HDPHDCE would never be caught in the sunlight, like actual "muggers."
**Or don't, it won't make a difference.
***Ex: "How is it that every time you come to this establishment the London Bridge wants to fall down? London? London? Yes i said London... Will you please stop booty shaking! The bridge is going to fall down!"
****Do not say: "I do however, have a purse. I might have a wallet and some money in there!"
*****DO NOT under any circumstances, say that you dislike all movies. Muggers are known to appreciate their movies and are often film critics in their spare time. Two fan favorites: American Gangster and Run Fatboy Run. If you say that you especially dislike these two films, you WILL infuriate them.
******Muggers are known for their trust issues.
*******After all, the only reason they wanted your money was so that they would have enough money to purchase a gym membership.
********You may also sing/rap this song, as you now can fully appreciate and understand the meaning of her words.