How To: Make the Best out of a Bad Situation (ie.Gulf Coast Oil Spill)

1) Throw out insane ideas* to the media and public to ensure them that you are really trying the best you can to think of an INCREDIBLE solution.
2) Attempt to make the problem better, by making it worse. This way, conservationists and those other tree huggers will have something to do. It's been a while since the last human created disaster.
3) Start buying stocks in Dawn dish soap**.
4) In an attempt to make up for lost profit spewing into the ocean and destroying ecosystems, find another place to drill for oil in another stable environment (ie. British Columbian Rocky Mountains), and promise that this time you won't mess up.
5) Tell people it will ONLY be three months before the problem is fixed.
6) Kill Gary Coleman, make the NBA Finals go to 7 games, and make Matthew McConeheys baby*** pose by a fire truck so that people will forget that your issue was ever in the news at all.
7) Sit around watching the World Cup**** instead of coming up with reasonable***** solutions to the problem.
8) Consider using an atom bomb to break up the oil spill... but make sure the president does NOT allow it******.
9) Don't be BP*******.

*This way, people will think the owners of your oil company are total idiots, and won't expect much from you. Low expectations are key.
**For every bottle sold, $1 goes towards cleaning up animals such as ducks, otters and seagulls damaged by oil spills.
***Very easy to be distracted if this baby is around.
****Make HUGE bets on teams, that way if you win, you might be able to find a way to fund the cleanup of the mess you created. And if you lose, well then the government will have to bail you out just a little bit more.
*****Reasonable does not mean: "The Top Hat" solution, which was previously discussed, tried and failed.
******First of all, Russians do this all the time (allegedly) and as we all know, they are crazy and waaaay to Haaard (like Rihanna). Second, any USA president would be crazy to consider anything the russians encourage (unless it comes to figure skating, hockey, defeating crazy tyrants with harsh winters, or drinking mass amounts of vodka)
*******BP= not Boston Pizza.