Tuesday, April 13, 2010

How To: Become a Facebook Stalker

1. Login to your facebook account.*
2. Go to the page of your desired stalk-ee.
3. Comment on every single status they have posted.**
4. Go to their personal information, and find out their e-mail, and phone number.***
5. Comment and like every profile picture they have.****
6. Confess your love for your stalk-ee in their honesty box.
7. Tag your stalk-ee in photos of hearts, couples holding hands, and other romantic things.
8. If they block you from their facebook, create a new account and start all over again.

*This step is crucial if you want to properly facebook stalk.
**Comment with things such as, "Lolz ur soo funneh! teheh", or, "i getz lost in ur werds, just lyk i get lost in ur eyez".
***E-mail and text them as much as you please, but never give away your identity.
****You don't want to come on too strong with your comments, so keep it on the down low, with such comments as, "u look gd in dis pic. but itd look better wit me in it :D :D <3<3<3 !!!"

Monday, April 5, 2010

How To: Be a Poser

1) To be a Poser, one first must understand the correct definition. Many believe the word is derived from the western anglo saxon action verb of pretending to be someone they are not; however, being a Poser is really a term for regular average-joesque's* who prefer to look good in pictures at all times- even casual/supposedly unposed shots.
2) Looking good is a must. You must look good every day of every year. If you do not look good in real life, then you will not look good on film. It is the E=MC2** formula of Poser-ing.
3) Never assume that there is not a camera near you. You must assume that the lens is always peering toward you like a merecat among the long savanna grass; and as the cheetah that the merecat is searching for a glance at, you must be ready to attack at all times.
4) There is no such thing as an irrevelent or useless camera***.
5) Now that you look good and are prepared for any camera that comes your way... you must learn the art of posing- Overexentuate every movement, even facial expressions. Props are vital. By overexentuating and using props, you will be set up for the perfect shot every time!****
6) Carrying around a blowdrier or handheld electric fan will ensure the perfect windblown look. NOTE: for complete naturaloscity- do not let the fan or blowdrier be seen in any photos.
7) Don't be afraid to pretend as though you do things of which you do not like or are not fond of or are not very talented at in order to take a great picture! If you do your duty as a Poser, everyone who sees the photo will fully believe that you do those things and think you are really cool for it!*****

*average-joesque=average-joe esque(like)=you.
**Essential=MostattraCtive2day
***Security camera's or people of whom you are unaquainted with's cameras (you never know where those pictures could go... they might come back to haunt you).
****Failure at any time to overexentuate or use props will result in a bad shot, and banishment from the rhelm of Poserdom.
*****ie. LOTS OF NEW FRIENDS!!!

Saturday, April 3, 2010

How To: Survive a Power Outage

1) Become a pyromaniac. Light everything on fire, that way you can see everything.
2) Find a guitar and your local electrical repairman, and serenade them so that they work faster.
3) Since your microwave will not be in working order, you will not be able to make any food*, so cook** your food* over an open candle or flaming curtain etc***.
4) Play Cranium against foreign people (anyone who is not Canadian) and pwn those n00bs all the way back to europe or brazil on questions such as: "During the Great Depression- did Canadians use Moose to help till the soil on their farms?"****
5) If the power is out after doing all of the things mentioned above... go out into the middle of the street in your underwear carrying one candle. When someone asks what you're doing, tell them the voices in your head said that if you did this someone would make you a hot chocolate.*****
6) Make the person take you back to their house*****, and accept their offerings of hot chocolate.
7) When the power comes back on, go to McDonalds and eat a double cheeseburger.

* Pizza Pops
** The act of preparing food without a microwave, like they did in the 50's and/or stoneages.
*** A woodstove will work too.
**** To really screw them up, tell them that people use deer and beaver packs on their farms to till the soil all the time even today.
***** If you do this in front of your flame engulfed house, the effect of your rouse will be maximized.
****** BE ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE that they have power at their house.

How To: Catch the Easter Bunny

1) Bait the bunny. Easter Bunnies are not the same as normal bunnies*, so you have to bait them accordingly. Use such things as "the promise of a better life" or "dental insurance" or "a donation to the dog pound" or "HUGE EASTER PARTY TONIIIIITTEEEE" to lure the bunny on to your property or in to your house.
2) Before the ED** arrives, booby trap key hiding places where the ED might attempt to hide your eggs.
3) Laugh manaically*** at your brilliant setup.
4) Once the ED arrives, hide yourself high in a treetop or crane****, and watch silently as the ED gets caught in your booby traps.
5) Let the ED struggle for a bit before you retrieve the bunny.
6) Keep ED as a pet*****, and allow adults to hide their own eggs for the kids. This way, kids will know whether their parents really love them.

*As we know from the Cadbury Egg commercials- these bunnies are white, plain looking rabbits who can fly planes and make noises like a chicken.
**ED= Easter DUMMY (aka the Easter BUNNY)
***Yet quietly
****Cranes can be rented from any local heavy duty machinery store.
*****FREE CHOCOLATE EGGS FOR LIFE (on account of the Easter Bunny being immortal)