How To: Be MC Hammer

1. Purchase a pair of parachute pants*. Perferably in bright, highlighter colours.
2. Shave the hair off your head, but still keep a patch on the top, so that you look badass, but stay warm.
3. Watch MC Hammer's infamous hit, "U Can't Touch This" and mimmic MC's dance moves.**
4. Now that you can dance like there's no tomrorow, you need a set of groupies, or "bitches".***
5. Once your crew is complete and legit, hit the streets. The world needs to digest your supreme talent.
6. Commence your performence in a highly populated area, such as the skate park.
7. After your routine is complete a riot may occur due to the awesomeness of the dance craze you have started.****
8. True MC Hammerness has now been achieved.


*Parachute pants = a pair of godly, silky pants that resemble loose genie pants.
**You may find the dance moves hard to maneuver, but don't fret because the parachute pants will make it look sweet no matter what.
***These groupies will appear in many of your music videos and dance behind you in spanex, as to display how lame people look without parachute pants, like yours.
****If police show up, distract them with your moves. They will be unable to do anything but be infected by your legit talent.

How To: Leave Your Childhood Innocence Behind

1) You must be a child female "pop star"* in order to leave your childhood innocence behind.
2) Have a really good reason to do this. Such as: You want to be treated your age (14), You want to explore your sexuality, You wanted to become a nudist but your agent/mom/dad said it wouldnt be appropriate so you used this as a plan b.
3) Date someone much older than you.**
4) Go out on the town and hit da clubz. You may only be 14-17, but just being there will make you seem totally cool and really un-innocent.
5) Make everyone think you are still a virgin even though you (and everyone else) knows you've totally banged a jonas brother***.
6) Make a music video that shows how grown up you've become, and make sure it is the same as every other music video that has already been made.****

*a young lady (verging on ho-dom) who "sings"/"dances" her way to the top of the pop charts. Also, preferably someone who has had a successful show on the family channel or G rated movies on her resume. Must require plastic surgery in the near future. Ex: The Young Britney Spears, The Young Lindsay Lohan, The Current Miley Cyrus.
**Or another lady.
***Or other attractive boy band member. Ex: Justin Timberlake, Nick Lachey
**** People will watch it and be like "oooh yeah i've seen this before... right, Xtina did this when she finally left her childhood innocence behind... oh yeah... wait, so this must mean [Enter "pop star" here] that she has left hers behind too!!!!!!!!! OOOOooooOOOHHHHHHH"